Novel Sample – The McTheory
What follows is a sample from the novel that I started writing in the fall of 2005 – I’m 50,000 words in and they are all online here –
“Well I’m done. And everyone else better hurry up, because I’m getting a McCraving.”
Everyone looks over at Ethan.
“You know that we missed breakfast.” I tell him, knowing that he’s already thought of it and no doubt disappointed.
“I know, but once it starts you can’t stop it. It’s the McTheory, you know that.”
I do know that, Ethan loves the McTheory. I have no idea where he learned it, or even why he’s so in love with it. But I do understand it, believe in its’ principles, and try to keep it in mind when I’m planning to eat at McDonalds. Now I don’t know if I can remember exactly how it goes, but I know that it’s a five step situation that goes something like this.
The McCraving: It starts with hunger, and the mere mention of the word McDonalds.
You will no doubt start to feel more hungry and may even begin to taste the menu item of your choice. If left unattended with a lower than saintly level of tolerance the cravings will become unbearable and you will move onto the next stage.
(At this point I can look around and see everyone getting the same look in their eyes that Ethan has in his. It’s almost scary like in a horror movie where the bad guys all get that red glowy thing going on in their crazy eyes)
The McSatisfaction: After placing you order and sitting either in your car or at the table you will start to eat your chosen menu item and realize that nothing could be better in this moment. Whether you choose a burger, chicken, a salad or any number of things, the taste of your meal will be for a moment, unbelievable.
(It’s true, I’ve seen women and children eat the smallest meals ever and end up falling into the rest of the McTheory.)
There is a time lapse between the McSatisfaction and the next stage in the McTheory. There is no set time for this to take place but in a group it may seem to happen for everyone at the same time.
The McGurlgles: The McGurgles may also be known as a grumbly stomach or even in more serious cases a comparable feeling to the stomach flu in its’ worst fury.
The McGurgles may bleed into the next stage(s). Please do not take it lightly as it will at times be very uncomfortable.
The McSleepies: As foolish and childish as the name may seem this is not a joke. After a varying amount of time has passed (it’s like cough medicine, it’s never the same for 2 people) after your meal, you will begin to feel tired and lacking significant energy. Although there is no need for a warning against operating heavy machinery, in certain instances you may lose all desire to return to work or any kind of physical activity at all. This may also include but is not restricted to: Not wanting to walk anywhere, not wanting to care for small children, and not caring at all about the movement of traffic as you cross the street.
(This is why athletes should not eat at McDonalds before a big game. I don’t care if you’re talking about the High School Track & Field team, or the NBA All-Star team, It just shouldn’t be done.)
The McMood Swings: In order to avoid offending your friends, co-workers, and others close to you, please inform them that you have gone through the first four stages so that they may be prepared for what is to follow. You may become short and defensive when asked simple questions that at other times wouldn’t matter at all. You may also become visibly upset with co-workers when things aren’t exactly perfect when you otherwise wouldn’t care. In more offensive cases you may actually go looking for trouble to release the unexplained aggression that you have acquired. There is no remedy except perhaps some light hearted pop music and a bright coloured sucker.
(As I said I screw it up sometimes when I try to remember it all but that’s pretty much the gist of it.)
creator of content, daddy blogger, writer, coffee drinker, fan of the Batman. proud mo bro. prouder dad.
