And though there’s no one here, I’m not alone because my thoughts fill up the room. And because I’m not alone I’ll pour this drink and I won’t feel bad about it.

But in the morning when I look back and drink my water to remove the fog from my head I know I’ll wish I hadn’t. Wish I’d thought better of it. Wish I’d learned from the past and the empty bottles and the hangovers and the still present and undealt with thoughts.

Will it stop me? Not tonight. I’m a procrastinator. I know the thoughts aren’t going anywhere, so what’s the rush?

I’ve got rum and coke and cigarettes and potato chips and baseball and Batman. What more could a boy ask for? Any more and I’d consider myself greedy. And I don’t want that.

I don’t want more than my share. I don’t want your share. But I want to feel whole. And happy. And satisfied. And maybe that is greedy. Maybe that isn’t a given.

But fuck maybes. There are no maybes. It’s kinda like what Yoda said, that whole ‘do or do not’ thing. There either is or there isn’t. There’s no half way. There is no maybe.

So tonight I’ll be here, not alone, not dealing, but not ignoring and having that drink.

———————–

Here I am left wondering which direction to turn now. Back to where I came from? Or just a variation of where I am? Do I stay or do I go now?

I think I know the answer. But I’m tempted to run again. Run instead of staying and living my life after parts have fallen apart. The challenge is there waiting for me to accept.

Man up is my thought. Man up is the mandate. Man up is the challenge.

In the past it’s been too easy to pack what I needed and move along. Newcastle, Peterborough, Ottawa, Toronto. Each time finding something I was missing, until it was gone and I went looking to fill the void.

But now, this time, when I know I should grow up, things feel different.

The job is good. The freedom and living is good. The city is good. The family is close. Opportunity is here.

And then there’s the other hand.

But right now the other hand doesn’t matter. I thought it would. I thought it would be trying to pack. It’s been better behaved than I gave it credit for.

Could I be any more cryptic?

If there are questions raise your hand and I’ll get to them at the end.

I have a new mission, if I choose to accept it. Many parts, steps, levels, whatever you want to call them, there are a bunch of them. Little things and big things. Lifestyle things and financial things. Boring things and exciting things.

I’ll keep you updated.

And maybe I’m over reacting. But like Yoda said… Fuck maybe.

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Joshua Murray

creator of content, daddy blogger, writer, coffee drinker, fan of the Batman. proud mo bro. prouder dad.